Time to Talk

Today (4th February 2016) is Time to Talk Day. The aim is to get people talking about mental health so I find myself asking, is it time to talk? Because I’m one of those ‘1 in 4’ people who struggles with mental health issues.

I’ve had counselling both through work and the NHS and finally resorted to medication. I say finally because to me taking medication was admitting that there was a ‘problem’, a last resort for people who can't cope. Other people cope with kids and jobs and commuting, why can’t I?

I changed jobs, eventually giving up work altogether and decided to concentrate on home and family life. I threw myself into school life, even volunteering to co-chair the PTA whilst 8 months pregnant! But none of the issues went away, and I found if there’s one thing you can’t run away from, it’s yourself.

I’ve suffered panic attacks in lots of different places. Walked half-way into Manchester after having to get off the tram, thrown up down the aisle of a packed train from London to Colchester, had to abandon nights out after feeling sick or worse…

When I looked back I realised that this wasn’t a new thing. I can remember sitting in the playground at primary school staring into space whilst friends played around me. Laying awake at night in high school worrying about events completely out of my control. Crying uncontrollably at University every time the slightest sip of alcohol passed my lips which, let’s face it, was most days at University.

All the time I felt labelled as over-emotional; sensitive; a drama queen. It never really occurred to me that there was anything I could do about it. It was just the way I was.

It came as a shock to me how mental issues manifest themselves in physical symptoms. When I was at my worst I felt ill most days. I suffered from IBS and headaches and generally felt shattered. I had all kind of tests and became convinced that I was ill which just further fuelled the anxiety. Turns out I was ill, just not in the way I thought.

It’s strange how I felt responsible for my anxiety, that I must have caused it somehow. I was embarrassed to talk about it with anyone. It was a sign of weakness, a declaration of failure and I was scared that people would treat me differently. My doctor tried to convince me that I wouldn’t feel responsible for contracting an infection or breaking a leg and this was no different. It took me a long time to see his point.

Having taken the medication for a while now things are definitely looking up. I’ve taken up Pilates, thrown myself back into writing and I’ve got a fantastic group of friends. We go to the pub quiz every week, a pub where I’ve suffered more than one panic attack in the past, and I’ve only had to step out ‘to get some air’ once! The physical symptoms have virtually disappeared and I generally feel happier and more confident.

Medication is not a long term plan but it's there to help out for a few months whilst I get back to being me again.

There’s still a stigma surrounding mental illness and the Time to Talk Day is just one way of trying to address this. I want to live in a world where mental illness is dealt with in the same way as physical illness and people don't feel ashamed in asking for help.

I hope you’ll agree, it’s Time to Talk.

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday

#TimeToTalk