Better Out Than In?

I promised myself I wouldn't touch the keyboard today but my fingers are twitching and better out than in...apparently.

The Kubler-Ross Change Curve, also known as the 5 stages of grief, is widely used to try and help people understand and manage their feelings whilst going through a period of change. I'm firmly entrenched in stage 1: shock and denial, and decided to get my initial thoughts down before I move into stage 2: anger and blame.

I went to bed about 1am last night. There was no way that I could stay up and still function today so I decided to call it a night. I slept fitfully, waking at 3am and 4am, checking my phone for updated results. When I woke at 6.45 the decision had been made. We're out.

I'm devastated. There are simply no other words for it. 

Cameron played the biggest gamble of his political career and he lost. But he didn't just lose for himself, he lost for all of us and now he's simply stepped aside to let others clear up the mess (some stage 2 feelings creeping in there!)

The past few weeks have seen some truly ugly scenes and I fear that this is only the beginning. A 52% win for the Leave side is by no means a landslide and there are millions of people who will feel lost and disenfranchised by the decision.

The school playground was abuzz with political chatter this morning, groups of parents standing round after drop off to discuss the outcome. The vast majority appear to be in shock. Fearful of the future.

Having said that I have friends and family who have voted Leave. None of them are the skin headed white supremacists that some people would have you believe, but normal everyday people living normal everyday lives. Whilst the fascists clearly exist they are certainly not in the majority. Leave voters are people like everyone else, concerned about jobs, about democracy, about corruption. They believe they have voted for a better future. I hope they're right.

I fully respect the democratic process and will eventually accept that the majority of the country want this, but at the moment I'm struggling to understand how anyone could want a leap into the great unknown given the instability of the global political climate. 

I'm English. I'm British. I'm European. I'm Human. 

But at the moment I'm struggling to feel proud to be any of them.